How do you solve a problem like Kakwenza?

1. You cannot

Men like Kakwenza Rukirabashaija are formed at the time their elements are being ground in the crucibles of creation’s kitchen. I see God with a large spoon, adding spices and getting down on his knees to add a stronger force to the crushing motions. Then He picks an unnamed spice and adds it to the mix. His assistants ask, “What was that you added? It is not in the recipe.” “You are right,” God replies, “It is not in the recipe.” That, is how the likes of Kakwenza are made: They are a “problem” created at creation- their disruption is a feature, not a bug- they cannot be solved.

1. You should not.

They cause damage to you regardless of what you do or do not do to them- it is a weird personality phenomenon, bordering on witchcraft. Kakwenza seems to exist in a state of perpetual zen, his face betraying neither distress nor pain, only oscillating between a light mirth and deadpan, riling everybody up while seemingly unable to be riled up himself. 
The least force against Kakwenza is perceptively multiplied by virtue of his calm demeanor. His sense of humor doubly highlights his detractors’ ill-humour. Anything contrasted against Kakwenza’s form, demeanor and attributes, positive or negative is doubly amplified. So, contrasted against Kakwenza, if you are vocal, you become loud-mouthed. If you are mildly intelligent, you become a consummate fool, if you are violent, you become brutal, If you are of “medium height”, you become short. If you are overweight…

3. You do not

Kakwenza is young, intelligent and devastatingly witty. He is as tall as the columns of an ancient Roman edifice. He is charming. If the endless photographs of young women (or pulchritudinous damsels like he calls them), gathered in hugs in his large chest and spindly long arms are anything to go by, then his colossal form, rather than intimidate, is endearingly regal. This very spiritual aspect of the man’s personality is simply impossible to break. That he seemingly resurrects again and again from the ashes of his torturous detentions, is tying the knots on the seamless blend of fact and fiction that is inadvertently being weaved around himself. At this rate, Kakwenza might even one day become the new star of Chwezi demi-god themed stories, the first in the series, being that he flew to Malawi on an actual witch’s broom. Currently, there is only one star.

Regards,
Anna 💖