When it comes to the topic of domestic violence and the dynamics of the relationships between men and women- specifically the romantic and sexual relationships that underline marriage, you would think that debates surrounding violence and cruelty to women in those relationships should not even exist at all, owing to what seems so obvious. Yet, these debates continue to rage, thrusting upon everyone the need to pay attention, whether they want to or not. Frustratingly, it seems that people are so given to the willful ignorance of the general facts surrounding violence against women by their intimate partners, choosing instead to focus on the minor exceptions that are completely irrelevant to the events at hand being discussed or debated.
It is a case of absolutes for these people who are unbelievably oblivious to the fact that all these absolutes they stand by are strangely skewed against women. It is bewildering how the irony is not so apparent to them. If, for example, a divorce occurs, it is automatically the woman’s fault. If it is the man who leaves, then she was so bad that he could not stand her anymore and therefore left her. But if it is the woman who leaves, then she is not committed to her marriage and is utterly irresponsible. It does not matter how the marriage dissolves, it is always the woman’s fault. If the said woman returns to her marriage and is somehow battered to death in the relationship, it is again her fault for not walking out of the marriage. For women, it is a damned if you do, damned if you do not. Our society is somehow built to further victimize the weakest amongst us.
In her book, Tomorrow I become a woman, thus, Aiwanose Odafen makes a case for our main character- Obianuju, who represents so many women- if not all women. She sacrifices so much that by the middle of the book, the reader is on her side; you are so angry that by the end of the book, you are absolutely routing for her to leave the marriage societal expressions be damned.
In her masterfully executed “show, do not tell” principle of writing, Aiwanose Odafen has done all of us the favour. Arguments will always happen for as long as we are operating from the outside of all these circumstances. Aiwanose takes us through the process, little by little, showing us how one word, one sentence, one seemingly unimportant thing said when it coalesces with all the other small insignificant words, phrases and sentences to become a culture- one that is not necessarily supportive to the people within it who need to be supported, in the end suffocating, stultifying and even killing them instead. This is a story that needed to be told as soon as yesterday, and thank God it has been told.
Every woman has to read this book immediately, and may be through Obianuju, redeem and reclaim parts of themselves that have knowingly or unknowingly handed over to a governance outside of themselves.
