Hint: I did nothing. At least not consciously…
All my life, I have been trying to stop biting my nails. My biggest fear regarding this habit has been entering adulthood and being that old person who could still be found with fingers in their mouth.
I have done everything to try and stop the habit. I have painted the nails, I have chewed on a pen, I have chewed gum. I have tried to exert my willpower. None of these methods have worked.
But let me first tell you how nail biting feels to me, who does it and why it is so hard to stop. You see, the practice of nail biting is very soothing. When the urge to bite your nails comes- which is basically all the time- you can only find relief from it after biting them all off from every finger; and many times followed by peeling away even the cuticles. God, it feels so good, once you’re done! Like relief from an internal tension. It feels the way you would feel if say, you complete an assignment whose deadline is due or if you feel anxious about something but then you find the clarity about it that you seek. That kind of good.
But then you know what happens after? You look at your fingernails and how unattractive they look and you feel bad. You also feel bad about your inability to have control over yourself. I mean, you want to be able to stop yourself from doing a thing you do not like, no? So you feel really, really bad.
That is why I first made the commitment to stop biting my nails 13 years ago in senior three. I was fifteen at the time, young and full of life; and had recently started to think thoughts about my life in the future. One of those thoughts had been the necessity to break the bad habit of biting my nails.
The specific moment was during a “free” lesson in the classroom, on a hot, lazy afternoon, after I had painfully considered my bleeding cuticles which I had bitten the life out of. I had chewed away all my fingernails and still needing relief, I had gone on to eat away at the cuticles that were now bleeding from being pulled out from too close to the nail bed. Feeling very bad, I made the commitment to stop biting my nails there and then. 13 years later and now 28 years old, I was still biting my nails. I never stopped. I became the adult I feared: the nail-biting adult who could be found with their fingers in their mouth.
In September last year, I signed up for therapy with an organization I found online through an ad. It was for more serious stuff- something about being tired of living and wanting to die, things like that. The program was very successful for me and I did not want to die anymore. After completing the scheduled eight sessions, each of which lasted one hour every week, I felt strong enough to hold myself up on my own and I have not had any issue since.
Now during this time, something interesting and serendipitous happened: I stopped biting my nails. From the time we began therapy in September and eight weeks later in October when our program ended to date, I have never bitten my nails. It is amazing how this thing that had bothered me so much for literally all my life just stopped in the snap of a finger. Just. Like. That.
A week ago I texted our counsellor about it- her name is Brenda, but I like to call her Miss Brenda- and she just laughed. It must have seemed normal to her but to me, my God. I feel on top of the world. I have only had the urge to bite my nails within this time twice and each time it was surmountable by my will. This was simply impossible to do, previously.
Now I would love to sound really smart and say something like, “The real purpose of this post is to give you the courage to seek professional help when you have challenges.” but then I hate to give advice because who am I to tell you anything? If, for example, you asked me for advice on how to stop biting nails, what could I possibly say? I did nothing- at least not consciously.
If you think, though, that therapy is something that you might need for a challenge that you’re having- some kind of life crisis, reach out to these people at StrongMinds. Coupled with support from friends and my church community, they were a major help.
Regards,
Anna Grace
